Self-Confidence

this blog will probably be more self-reflective than looking for input at the end, but I never truly know how blogs will end when I start them. I just kind of let everything roll off of my fingers.

I have noticed lately, my own lack of self-confidence. I make grand plans of things I want to do and then get nervous and full of doubt and end up letting the things I want to do pass me by. I said awhile back that I want to start my own photo studio. At this point in my life, I would want a photo job to get experience and feel more confident about opening my own studio. I want to open a studio by my 30th birthday, but I haven't really gotten much accomplished towards my goal, and I start to doubt that I can actually do it and be successful.

And then there's my running. At the beginning of 2010, I made a goal of running a 5K. I did my first in May and got a time around 45 minutes. I added to my goal, saying that I wanted to finish a 5K in under 40 minutes. If I had trained, I probably could have done it. Doubt got in my way a lot. My own paranoia made me believe that random people who lived around me would see me out running and point and laugh. It sounds stupid when I write it out, but that's what I honestly believed, and it makes it harder for me to get out and run. I finished my final 5K of the year with a time of 41:14, so I got close, but not close enough to make myself happy.

Next year I want to run a half marathon. 13.1 miles. My goal time? Under 3 hours. I looked into a race I really want to do in April. I have told people it's a race I want to do, but I have not yet done anything in the way of training. And a NY winter isn't really the best time to be out running, but if I truly want to run this race, it's something I'll need to cope with (or get a gym membership). I keep just imagining myself, passing out at mile 5.

I guess in order to meet my goals, I need to truly take a hard look in the mirror. I say that I can't do things a lot of the time, and I don't think it's true. I can do things if I truly put the effort in and stop with the excuses. I need to make sacrifices to achieve the goals I have set for myself. Yet I feel like there's nobody pushing me to do things, I have to push myself but I've never really had to before. It's a new thing for me to have to totally be in charge of my own goals.

Ok, I think I've rambled enough, I hope that I will remember this next time I'm sitting here, wondering why I am not getting any better mileage or pacing.